Roller Coaster

So, the past few days have been, to put it mildly, emotionally draining. On Friday, I “tried” to make a “right” decision, and send T an e-mail saying we should just stop it.  It was a long, emotionally agonizing “letter” to say the least. Feelings that should have spilled out 9 years ago when we divorced, spilled out in the letter. I explained that I still loved him, very much so, even though I had denied it all this time. Even though that was true, I felt that it would be in both of our best interests (more so his) that we just didn’t do this. I just do not want to put him through any more shit.  Especially, since he put up with so much when we were married. He tolerated more than anyone should have to, and loved me through it all. If he was that worried about the risks, then, he shouldn’t be doing this. I have reached a point now, where I just don’t care anymore. Probably a terrible thing to say or admit, but, unfortunately, it is true.

Friday night, and all of Saturday, I prepared myself for his response.  And, I am probably one of the most impatiend people on earth.  So, the waiting was damn near unbearable.  I told myself over and over that he would accept what I had said, and would just say “ok, let’s not do this.”  To me, it was the obvious response. My rationalization being, if he is that worried about her finding out, or losing her, then why even take the risk? Seems like the most obvious conclusion to me.  I woke up this morning, and saw there was an e-mail waiting for me.  It took me a few minutes to make myself open it. After all, I just knew he was going to say “ok, I’m done. Have a nice life.”  Well, no such luck. That is not what the e-mail said.

T started out by reminding me that I am truly, still, the most confusing person he has ever met in his life. And yet, he married me, happily lol. But, he also went on to say, that he is now just as confused as I am. Well, wonderful! He really understands me after all these years! However, he went on to say, that he does NOT want to stop what we’re doing. He just wants to be extra careful for now. Well, FFS. This does not make it any easier. One would think, that one of us would have the “balls” to just say no, let’s not do this.  But, I suppose, there is just too much history between us, so much emotion, and there was always an intensity there that just can’t be explained. With that being said, I guess, we’ll just have to “go with the flow” from now on.  What a friggin mess this is now.

I am glad I was able to condense my feelings here. My heart feels like it’s just shattered now.  I was quite afraid that this would turn into the post from hell, luckily, it has not. I think at this point, I am just mentally and emotionally exhausted. And, yes, I am quite aware that it’s my own doing. That’s something else I have to deal with. And trust me, it doesn’t get any easier with each passing day. But, such is life….

Jinxed

I met T twice today. Once on his lunch and again early this evening. The second “rendezvous” was a last second decision. A bad one apparently.  We agreed to meet less than 1/2 mile from my house, since I was unsure of how far B was from arriving home. As I pull out the drive, B’s brother pulls up. If i wasn’t nervous enough! I come up with a stupid story of going to get a candy bar, and that B is on his way home. I tell his brother to go on in and watch tv and wait inside. He says ok.

As I’m pulling out of our neighborhood, I’m thinking I’m good now, it was just a coincidence. I drive for about 20 seconds and stop at the light when I see T’s truck parked in the parking lot. I pull in and maneuver the car behind his truck, so it’s not visible from the road. T gets in the car, and tell him about B’s brother. He laughs and says it’s a bad sign, maybe we should just go a little slower. But we both stay put. I remember hearing a funny sound as I was driving, and ask T to look out at the tires. He leans out the door, and lo and behold, I have a flat tire. Why, of course, I have a flat tire. That’s because the only I luck I have is bad fucking luck. He swears it’s some sort of “bad omen.” He’s probably right. But, wanting to be with him, even if for a short period, wins out and we move to his truck.

B never kisses me anymore. He never touches me anymore. It’s always a “roll over” or lets do this so I can go to sleep. Blah Blah. It used to be so good. So, very good. After all, I left T for him. (Way to go. Brilliant.) But, getting in the back seat of T’s truck, and being kissed like that, just felt…so…right. I had forgotten how T was. How he paid attention to ME. What I liked. What I wanted. And how great his touch is. How great his lips felt on my skin. My neck, my chest, my stomach….All those feeling came rushing back. Why did we divorce again? I so badly wished we were somewhere secluded, quiet…sexy. I leaned up, only God knows why, and at that moment, B drives by on his way home. FFS. Signs, signs, everywhere there’s signs. I let T know. He looked just as pissed off as me. But, I think both of us were just as freaked out at that point. Three strikes you’re out. B driving by was our 3rd strike for the day, lol.

It sucked driving home slowly on the flat, preparing my story. I felt like a teenager, trying to  hide something from my parents. Hadn’t had a knot in my stomach like that in years. I managed to explain myself well enough. But it turns out that his brother apparently timed me until B showed up. Douchebag. Sometimes, I hate him. But I suppose it’s his brotherly duty. [Mind you, our first Thanksgiving, B kicked in his brother's face, and it took 20 cops to break them up.] I made some dumb decisions in our conversation, (another story in itself), and B got a little suspicious. Started asking why it took so long, for a “candy bar”, etc. It was quite stressful and intense for a few minutes. But, I weaseled out of that too. Thank goodness.

Everything has been relatively smooth the rest of the night. B is asleep now, of course. T sent a text to my e-mail a few hours ago, to see if everything was alright. With B sitting right beside me on the couch, it was impossible to answer. I can’t believe I’ve put myself in this situation. At this point, i’m so confused, it’s almost funny. I’ve done it to myself, I’m well aware of that. T says we should have never split up and divorced. Yeah, shoulda, coulda, woulda…Here we are now. Probably a few steps away from a real mess. And nobody wants to walk away. There are still strong feelings there for T. I didn’t realize they were even there, for sure, until today. After him touching me and kissing me. It just felt so good. And so right. And yet, so wrong at the same time. Maybe, I’m just having a mid-life crisis. Maybe, my sex drive has shifted into overdrive for some ungodly reason, and T just happened to be there at the right time. Who the hell knows…I sure as hell don’t. I don’t know anything anymore…

Trouble

I don’t know why I make my life so damn difficult. And I am old enough to know that I do it to myself. I have consistently, all my life, made the wrong choices.  And even now, in my 30s, I find myself still doing it. I have been talking to T most of the day today, through texting. It’s an odd situation, considering we’re divorced. I think the only thing we have managed to do is completely confuse each other. Both of us in serious relationships, not really wanting to hurt the other, but still wanting to pursue each other. We both know better, so, why do it? I mean, am I that mixed up? Apparently, I am. There was a reason we divorced. I felt I had moved on. And, we’ve been split for nearly 10 years. We have gotten on with our lives, and both have significant others. So, why, now, are we even pursuing this? I mean, if we still have feelings, why did we even divorce. I swear, sometimes life just plain sucks. Perhaps, it’s just my life. I do it to myself. I have hurt every man that has professed his love for me, in one way or the other. Some more than others. And, I am at an age now, where I can be truly sorry, and regret decisions that I have made. But, I’m still making those same damn stupid choices. Maybe there is something wrong with me mentally or emotionally somewhere. I mean, as much as I hate to admit it, I have cheated on every guy that I have ever dated or been with. Every one. Trust me, I am not bragging by any means. It is certainly not something to be proud of. It is just a fact of my life.

I truly thought that by being with B for this long (over 9 years), and “behaving”, I was past all that stuff. But here I am again…doing the same stupid shit. And the worst part is, I know that it is stupid, it is wrong. But there is something inside me that has always made that “wrong choice” look appealing. It’s like there is a part of my brain that always tells me, it’s better to do it to him first, then vice versa. And it’s not that I haven’t had it done to me, because I have. I do know what it feels like, to experience that betrayal. And it truly does suck. So, that is why I don’t understand why I continue to do it.

As I write this, T and I are still texting, and are both just as confused as ever. Not knowing whether to even pursue this “relationship” or not. He’s asking if I would want to start “dating” again. But, what good is it really going to do? Both of us in serious relationships, with complete lives now.

This is what I try to understand. I know that I have been a “bad” person throughout my life. Specifically, when it comes to relationships. And yet, some of these guys, still want to pursue a possible relationship. Even though they know “how I am”. Especially T, he was married to me, he knows best of all what a trifling bitch I can be (and apparently, still am). Why would anyone want to still take a chance with someone like me? It’s beyond my comprehension.  I am so confused now. I left T to be with B, whom I am still with.  I also left T for a while previously, to be with Scot (mentioned in an earlier post) again.  And here he is, in my life again, wanting back in. Why the hell would he?

Apparently, I need something really devastatingly tragic to happen in my life to change my ways. And then I wonder, if even that would work.

B said last night, he wants to go ahead and get married, he says it’s about time we did. I was shocked, of course. It figures he would say that now…when I am so confused.  No, I think i’m just an idiot. I probably need some kind of help, mentally or emotionally, but what would work? honestly?

Job Interview

I hate going back to work.  Especially, since I haven’t worked since October 2006.  It’s not that I don’t want to work, I just haven’t had to since then.  Although, I should have.  Anyway, B hasn’t had work in a little over a month, so, money is getting tight.  The job interviews are getting annoying to me.  Perhaps, it’s just my line of work.  My background is in the restaurant industry.  And, as a manager, when you’ve been out of work for 2 years, companies do not like that.  But, I wanted to get out of the restaurant industry. So, I sent my resume to different types of companies.

I had an interview with an alarm company on Monday. Went very well. Was told by the gentleman that I interview exceptionally well, have good eye contact, that i am an ideal candidate for the position, blah blah blah.  He stated that he would tell the owner about me, I would have to speak with the owner, and that i was probably a “shoe in”. Well, today I get the call, and he says that he is very upset because the owner “brought” in someone before speaking with him, so, he couldn’t offer me the job. However, he reiterated how good of a fit i was, how I was the best interview that he had, and that he is still going to try and find me a spot.  He did ask if it was ok if he held on to my resume so that he could potentially call me at a later date for a job. Of course, I said sure.  Ya know, to me, that call was worse than just telling me “the position has been filled, thank you for your time, goodbye.”  I did not need, nor did I want to hear, how I was the perfect candidate, blah blah blah.  It actually made me feel even worse about the whole situation.  I don’t know why, it just did.  Anyway, I’m sure I will get over it.

Luckily, and thankfully, shortly after I received my rejection call, B received a phone call with an offer of $200 a day ($1000 a week) to start tomorrow morning.  While it is a blessing, I’m annoyed at the fact that he really didn’t have to do anything but make a few phone calls. No resume, no application, no face-to-face interview, nothing.  A couple phone calls and he’s making $48,000 a year. Whatever.  But, I suppose that just shows the drastic difference in our job background. B installs floors, so, I guess, that’s how they do things. Must be nice.  Meanwhile, I’m back on Monster, careerbuilder and craigslist, looking for a job. Pfffffffffffffffft.

But, let me reiterate…I am very thankful that he received that call. Lord knows one of us needed to find a job…and fast. So, do not think that i am whining, or complaining. I do not mean it to come across that way.  I truly am thankful, I just wish in my line of work, I could make a phone call, and get a salary like that!

Kiss

It’s been such a loooong time since I have been kissed.  And I don’t mean a quick peck, I’m talking about a long, passionate, meaningful KISS. I would have to guess it’s been months, many months.  Hell, it’s probably been at LEAST a year.  That’s pathetic.  Well, at least until today.  Oddly enough, I received just this kind of kiss today. And from the last place on earth I would expect it. I swear, I just wish I could have a “normal” everyday life, with no surprises. (But honestly, what fun would that be?)

So, I needed a cigarette. Had a job interview, that went surprisingly very well, and I wanted a cigarette.  But, of course, B doesn’t want me to smoke anymore. Of course, he does, like a chimney still. Anyway…I stop at the store to ask my ex-hubby for a cigarette, if he had one. Yes, my ex and I are still friendly to each other.  He offered to walk me to my car, as long as it was “safe”.  I laughed and said it was.  We talked for a bit, in the heat, smoking a couple cigarettes. He offered to walk me to my car. I got in, and then he suddenly asks, “what would happen if I made my way around the door closer to you?”  Quite honestly, I didn’t know what to think at first, I thought it might be a joke. But, when I saw his face, I knew it wasn’t. And of course, I had to do the wrong thing (as is the story of my life) and tell him to just come around and we would see.

Needless to say, it was nice to be kissed like that. I really needed something like that. It was nice to know that he still had feelings. Or maybe I should say surprising to know. After all, we both have significant others. While neither of us have re-married, it has still been 10 years since we split. So, it was definitely odd, and quite  unexpected. But, it has been on my mind all day. And not to mention, that he made sure that he added, he would really like for it to happen again, to just let him know.

I know that I should have never put myself in that situation. It is probably more my fault than anyone else’s. But, there’s just no romance here anymore with B. Maybe that’s what’s wrong with me, so depressed all  the time. B is just not like that. He’s Mr. Tough-guy. That was fine 10 years ago, but now, at my age, it’s just not cutting it. T was NEVER like that. He was always about me. Making me happy. You know the more I ponder my past, the more I see all my mistakes. And they’re not small mistakes either. Hell, I guess if I’m going to make them, I might as well make them doozies. T was always good to me. Treated me like gold. I returned all that by cheating on him, and leaving him for a “tough-guy” New Yorker, who LOVES to fight. Don’t get me wrong, B is a good guy most of the time, and he has never cheated on me, he’s never cheated on any of his girlfriends. But, he is a douchebag. And he readily admits that he is an asshole. But, after 10 years of tolerating it, there is love there, and I’ve tolerated him this long, without ever cheating on him either…until now, I guess.

What a frickin mess. I should know what to do, but I honestly don’t. Let me rephrase that. I DO know the right thing to do. But, my emotions, body, heart are all in turmoil, and I just yearn for that passion. You know what I mean…that passion and lust you have, in the beginning of a relationship. The way your heart starts pounding, and you just can’t wait to be touched…I mentioned this to B…he just doesn’t hear me…

And I wonder why I have such a hard time trying to quit smoking cigarettes…

A love lost can and will break you…

Welcome to WordPress.com. This is your first post. Edit or delete it and start blogging!

Scot

Gosh, it’s hard to believe that it’s been 11 years already.  Eleven years since I saw you last. And I will never get your image out of my head.  I still search for you from time to time online.  Found you once a few months ago on myspace.  I even left you a message apologizing for being the utter bitch I was, through all the love that you showed me.  I thought maybe, just maybe, you would send me a line back. Even if it was just to say fuck off.  But no such luck.  You solved the issue by just deleting your myspace page.  LOL, I must say, you stuck to your final words.  You never wanted to hear from me again.  You said I had broke your heart too many times, and you couldn’t take it anymore.

Eleven years is a long time for someone to realize what an idiot they were in the past.  It’s also a long time for someone to think about the biggest mistake in their life.  It’s difficult now, dealing with it.  Much harder now, than in the past.  I made the same damn mistake three other times with you, and each time, when I found you again, you took me back.  You truly tried, many times. What more could I ask for?  You gave everything, and more.  I gave you nothing but pain.  Perhaps you would be happy to know, that I am miserable now.  Perhaps not.  You were never that type of guy.  You just left me a note asking me to please stay away from you, to let you get on with your life.

Scot, I know it’s too late.  I know that I could never have you back in my life.  I will have to live with that for the rest of my life.  It’s hard to deal with,  it really is.  Some days are easier than others.  Days like today, are near unbearable.  Days like today, I would gladly give up everything to just see you, and  hug you, that’s all.  I have never been loved so much by one person, with no strings.  You gave me your all, 100% of the time.  You never asked anything of me.  You accepted me for me, even all the bad things. It was such a true and pure love.  It’s so friggin sad, that I couldn’t see it then.  I was just ignorant, blind, a true idiot.  Now, unfortunately, I can see all that.  You know the saying, hindsight is always 20/20.

It is almost impossible to believe that I met you 17 years ago…geez, had to stare at that number for a sec.  Seems so, unreal.  As soon as I saw you, I knew that I would love you forever.  Even told my best friend that.  She still reminds me sometimes, but, it is a difficult subject.  When we finally did speak to one another, you said the same thing.  Fate maybe? Who knows.  but leave it to me, to completely fuck up true love.

I remember once you were out of the military and back home in Alabama, I thought I would never see you again.  I took a chance, with $70 and drove from Virginia to Alabama, to see you…unannounced.  You met me with open arms.  Said you still loved me, no matter what.  Quit your job, said goodbye to your family and got in my car.  You drove us all the way back to Virginia.  God, I love you.  Needless to say, within 2 weeks, I had a change of heart…again.  You know, I actually hate myself.  I have for a long time.  Probably where alot of my problems stem from.  I almost cannot live with myself for what I’ve done to you.  I can’t find solace in anything or anyone.  Nothing I do, will ever fix it.  It gets really old crying every other day.  Lying about what I”m crying over.  And the pain, well, it’s agonizing.  But, I guess in the grand scheme of things…it’s what I truly deserve.  It’s karma…and it is a BITCH.

I do truly hope that you are happy Scot.  I do hope that you find someone who can love you like you deserve to be loved.  Someone who respects you.  I hope she kisses and hugs you for no reason at all…everyday.  I just want you to be truly happy.  You deserve it.  You deserve the best the world has to offer.  And I have gotten what I deserve……
Scot Mayberry…you may never see this, but someone who knows you might.  Just know that I love you…always have….always will.  Your name will be in my dying breath….

I suppose I just need an outlet. Stuck here in the house, with the kids and the animals, and of course, you. We can’t get along lately. Not at all. going on 10 years, and I think I’ve finally had enough. The hypocrisy, the control, it’s just gotten a bit much, ya know? There is so much anger pent up inside, I just don’t know that I can get passed it this time.

You’re out on the boat now, which isn’t really a problem, I hate going out there. It’s the fact, that I’m here, no cash, no cigarettes, nothing. Watching cartoons with the little one. I’m sure that you don’t care, you’re having a good ol’ time. But, really, how do I throw away 10 years? At this point in my life, it seems like such a bother. I’m so accustomed to this “life”, that I might as well just stay put. But at what expense? Do I really want to be miserable for God knows how much longer?

Honestly, I’m pretty sure that you are not the only issue here. I have issues of my own…with the past and I suppose I need to work those out too. But, it seems the more I try to deal with “him”, it still hurts too much.

Gawd, let me see if I can hunt down a cigarette…..