It’s been such a loooong time since I have been kissed.  And I don’t mean a quick peck, I’m talking about a long, passionate, meaningful KISS. I would have to guess it’s been months, many months.  Hell, it’s probably been at LEAST a year.  That’s pathetic.  Well, at least until today.  Oddly enough, I received just this kind of kiss today. And from the last place on earth I would expect it. I swear, I just wish I could have a “normal” everyday life, with no surprises. (But honestly, what fun would that be?)

So, I needed a cigarette. Had a job interview, that went surprisingly very well, and I wanted a cigarette.  But, of course, B doesn’t want me to smoke anymore. Of course, he does, like a chimney still. Anyway…I stop at the store to ask my ex-hubby for a cigarette, if he had one. Yes, my ex and I are still friendly to each other.  He offered to walk me to my car, as long as it was “safe”.  I laughed and said it was.  We talked for a bit, in the heat, smoking a couple cigarettes. He offered to walk me to my car. I got in, and then he suddenly asks, “what would happen if I made my way around the door closer to you?”  Quite honestly, I didn’t know what to think at first, I thought it might be a joke. But, when I saw his face, I knew it wasn’t. And of course, I had to do the wrong thing (as is the story of my life) and tell him to just come around and we would see.

Needless to say, it was nice to be kissed like that. I really needed something like that. It was nice to know that he still had feelings. Or maybe I should say surprising to know. After all, we both have significant others. While neither of us have re-married, it has still been 10 years since we split. So, it was definitely odd, and quite  unexpected. But, it has been on my mind all day. And not to mention, that he made sure that he added, he would really like for it to happen again, to just let him know.

I know that I should have never put myself in that situation. It is probably more my fault than anyone else’s. But, there’s just no romance here anymore with B. Maybe that’s what’s wrong with me, so depressed all  the time. B is just not like that. He’s Mr. Tough-guy. That was fine 10 years ago, but now, at my age, it’s just not cutting it. T was NEVER like that. He was always about me. Making me happy. You know the more I ponder my past, the more I see all my mistakes. And they’re not small mistakes either. Hell, I guess if I’m going to make them, I might as well make them doozies. T was always good to me. Treated me like gold. I returned all that by cheating on him, and leaving him for a “tough-guy” New Yorker, who LOVES to fight. Don’t get me wrong, B is a good guy most of the time, and he has never cheated on me, he’s never cheated on any of his girlfriends. But, he is a douchebag. And he readily admits that he is an asshole. But, after 10 years of tolerating it, there is love there, and I’ve tolerated him this long, without ever cheating on him either…until now, I guess.

What a frickin mess. I should know what to do, but I honestly don’t. Let me rephrase that. I DO know the right thing to do. But, my emotions, body, heart are all in turmoil, and I just yearn for that passion. You know what I mean…that passion and lust you have, in the beginning of a relationship. The way your heart starts pounding, and you just can’t wait to be touched…I mentioned this to B…he just doesn’t hear me…

And I wonder why I have such a hard time trying to quit smoking cigarettes…