I don’t know why I make my life so damn difficult. And I am old enough to know that I do it to myself. I have consistently, all my life, made the wrong choices. And even now, in my 30s, I find myself still doing it. I have been talking to T most of the day today, through texting. It’s an odd situation, considering we’re divorced. I think the only thing we have managed to do is completely confuse each other. Both of us in serious relationships, not really wanting to hurt the other, but still wanting to pursue each other. We both know better, so, why do it? I mean, am I that mixed up? Apparently, I am. There was a reason we divorced. I felt I had moved on. And, we’ve been split for nearly 10 years. We have gotten on with our lives, and both have significant others. So, why, now, are we even pursuing this? I mean, if we still have feelings, why did we even divorce. I swear, sometimes life just plain sucks. Perhaps, it’s just my life. I do it to myself. I have hurt every man that has professed his love for me, in one way or the other. Some more than others. And, I am at an age now, where I can be truly sorry, and regret decisions that I have made. But, I’m still making those same damn stupid choices. Maybe there is something wrong with me mentally or emotionally somewhere. I mean, as much as I hate to admit it, I have cheated on every guy that I have ever dated or been with. Every one. Trust me, I am not bragging by any means. It is certainly not something to be proud of. It is just a fact of my life.
I truly thought that by being with B for this long (over 9 years), and “behaving”, I was past all that stuff. But here I am again…doing the same stupid shit. And the worst part is, I know that it is stupid, it is wrong. But there is something inside me that has always made that “wrong choice” look appealing. It’s like there is a part of my brain that always tells me, it’s better to do it to him first, then vice versa. And it’s not that I haven’t had it done to me, because I have. I do know what it feels like, to experience that betrayal. And it truly does suck. So, that is why I don’t understand why I continue to do it.
As I write this, T and I are still texting, and are both just as confused as ever. Not knowing whether to even pursue this “relationship” or not. He’s asking if I would want to start “dating” again. But, what good is it really going to do? Both of us in serious relationships, with complete lives now.
This is what I try to understand. I know that I have been a “bad” person throughout my life. Specifically, when it comes to relationships. And yet, some of these guys, still want to pursue a possible relationship. Even though they know “how I am”. Especially T, he was married to me, he knows best of all what a trifling bitch I can be (and apparently, still am). Why would anyone want to still take a chance with someone like me? It’s beyond my comprehension. I am so confused now. I left T to be with B, whom I am still with. I also left T for a while previously, to be with Scot (mentioned in an earlier post) again. And here he is, in my life again, wanting back in. Why the hell would he?
Apparently, I need something really devastatingly tragic to happen in my life to change my ways. And then I wonder, if even that would work.
B said last night, he wants to go ahead and get married, he says it’s about time we did. I was shocked, of course. It figures he would say that now…when I am so confused. No, I think i’m just an idiot. I probably need some kind of help, mentally or emotionally, but what would work? honestly?
